Dear Ted,
I have found that I am very busy with life yet feel I am moving farther and farther away from myself. There is an empty place within me even though I am being of service, working hard and feeling like I do a lot of good for the world. I feel my loss is that I may have lost myself. I also find myself becoming very angry when people don’t appreciate my help or fail to follow through on my suggestions. Can you comment on this issue? Thanks, Ann
Dear Ann,
What a topic! It appears you are really looking into yourself and examining how you can find your truth and identifying what you need to help you connect both internally and externally. I commend you on the brave act of searching for yourself in the midst of a very busy world. We can often be so busy that we lose our own center and instead feel like we are the center for those around us. We establish codependent relationships that can be painful and cause us to lose our balance and become out of touch with our true selves.
A question to ask yourself is, “Am I being filled full or fulfilled?” In asking this you can start to focus on what is fulfilling to you rather than how you are busy “filling” others. When you find your true passion and discover who you are, you begin to experience the place that gives your spirit nutrition. This discovery may change how you navigate the outer world and allow you to check in to your center and find that which best satisfies your needs. This may sound rather selfish yet if you take care of yourself you can be of better service to others. Resentments can be shed, controlling tendencies can be surrendered and peace in your soul can start to become a common and comfortable place — no matter what is happening in the outer world.
True fulfillment also gives you the opportunity to observe your actions within your job, your personal relationships, your reactions and responses to others, and, most importantly, gives you the chance to find what it is that can allow you to experience passion, energy, enthusiasm and a conscious way of life. Searching for your true self and what that self needs to flourish is a spiritual journey. Taking the time to not be “filled full” but rather find fulfillment is a worthwhile endeavor that will serve you and the world around you. I wish you well on this journey until next time, take care.
Dear Ted,
In the last week there have been so many strange tragedies in our town. I am having such a difficult time making sense of any of it and my mind is spinning. I ask myself – “what could I have done differently, what could the town have done differently, why has this happened, why didn’t I know” and on and on. Sometimes I just can’t shut off my mind. Is this normal and how does this happen? Thanks, Just Thinking
Dear Thinking,
You are right — there appears to be an increase in deaths and losses in our town and the broader world that do not seem to make much sense. First, I want to assure you that your thought process is normal and is part of the healing process. One of the phases of healing from a loss is called bargaining. This is the phase during which a person tries to make sense out of their loss. I see it as chiseling away at denial by trying to find ways to cognitively understand something. This “intellectualization” often creates a sense of security and the illusion of safety within your system because you somehow make sense of the event.
This phase is often accompanied by thoughts such as “I could have done this” or “I should have done that” and often progress to “I wish I had done this.” Often a person may blame themselves or other people, or, even other things such as companies or rules. It is similar to a director who does not like a scene in the movie so yells, “cut, let’s change this scene in order to have a different outcome”. Unfortunately we often cannot change or affect our loss, no matter how often we question ourselves or others. As the brain creates different scenarios the outcome remains the same and the psyche is forced to realize the loss has truly happened and recognize the limits of our control.
Bargaining is an important phase of grief and we shouldn’t be ashamed of our efforts to “think” our way past a loss. Also, this phase often teaches us how we can improve our lives. When my daughters died I had to look very closely at different aspects of my life and in this review I tried to be more conscious of my actions during the day. I focused on efforts to ensure that I appreciated and connected with others as well as more pragmatic efforts in daily life, such as being careful as I drove through an intersection. From a horrific event, I try to be a better and more conscious person. Bargaining is your chance to chisel at denial while also making decisions on how you will now live your life and heal from your losses.
. I wish you well on your journey to healing and until next time, take care.
Dear Ted:
Hi, an article by J. William Worden on Grief Therapy in which he states that unexpressed and unresolved grief of parents can often lead to drug abuse in their offspring. I was totally blown away by this. How on do you resolve and express grief many years after the event?? All I know about grief is that it hurts, you cry, you think a lot, what else can you do? I think grief is a huge underlying cause of many mental problems and drug problems, and can be passed on in the family line. Your thoughts? Maggie
Dear Maggie,
Thank you for your question. It is important to understand that working through one’s grief in order to heal can also prevent generational dysfunctions that are often caused by unresolved grief. William Worden talks about the “Tasks of Grief” which are the experiences that we go through after the death of someone we care about: 1. To accept the reality of the loss; 2. To experience the pain of Grief; 3. To adjust to the new environment where the deceased person is missing; and, 4. To reinvest energy in life, loosen ties to the deceased and forge a new type of relationship with them based on memory, spirit and love.
In working with these tasks he states, “It is okay to care and connect with other people and continue to live our lives even though we miss them”. The grief process is often not linear and can be a life time work. Yet by being conscious of your loss and being aware of the grief process you can avoid unconscious actions of that loss that can wreak havoc on your life as well as those around you.
Unresolved grief can have a strong impact on family members, including children. Many people after a loss can become what I call the “walking dead.” In other words “not present” and hollow inside. However with conscious healing this will change and you can be “present” and alive once again. A child can often find themselves in a place with an absent parent and lingering grief and wounds that if not addressed can lead to self-medication and addictive tendencies. These tendencies are then passed from generation to generation. To avoid this it is important to connect with others, share with your children, and find ritual and ceremony in order to express grief where there are no words and find ways to honor the loss openly and in a healthy manner.
These types of actions allow your psyche to heal and gather wisdom from the deceased. By working through the grief you lower the chances of the loss leading to other mental health issues and decrease the potential for addictive tendencies. In this process you are also able to honor the past yet move into the present while manifesting a healthier tomorrow as well as healthier future generations. I hope this helps Maggie and thank you.
Dear Readers:
Once a year I review the phases of grief one goes through after a loss in order to heal naturally, normally, and healthily. I like to talk about phases rather than stages because healing from loss is a lifetime process of growth and transformation during which people often revisit phases. Often you will find yourself moving in and out as well as back and forth among the different phases of healing from grief and loss. A synopsis of the phases of grief is outlined below.
DENIAL often occurs early after a loss and then may continue at different levels. Denial is the distance and insulation your system needs in order to absorb and integrate your loss into your psyche. The more conscious you can be about what type of distracters give you distance will help with healing as well as help you avoid new losses due to unhealthy behaviors.
ANGER will show up in some form and I like to call this phase “protest”. During loss we often protest the present situation including the loss itself and our lack of control. Anger has the effect of waking up your body with adrenaline as well as give you the fuel to step into your healing and move through some levels of denial and new beginnings.
BARGAINING is the place within your mind that is still trying to make sense of the loss as well as possibly hold onto the illusion of control. This is the phase where your mind may sound like monkey chatter; “I wish I had done this or that” or “I wish they had done this or that”. I call it the “should of’s, could of’s”. Bargaining is also the phase where you start choosing how to rebuild your life and heal from your loss. Should I go to grief group? Do I need help? Do I do nothing or something? It is a very active time and your last effort to feel control over something such as a loss, that you really cannot control or change.
DEPRESSION is the place you move into with sadness. You surrender the denial and bargaining and realize you are sad, scared and possibly lost. Bargaining flows into ACCEPTANCE which is the acknowledgment of loss. This does not mean it is all okay but you accept you have a loss and there is a wound that needs to heal.
I have added one more category and that is RELOCATION in which you take your loss, glean the wisdom from that loss, and begin your new life with the wisdom from your experience of loss. This phase allows you to live more fully and presently in “today.” Please remember each of these phases have many intricate facets and you can even feel more than one phase at a time. Also, they often do not proceed in linear order but more like a stew all mixed in one bowl.
I wish you well on your journey to healing and until next time, take care.
Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Direct any questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and Clinical Supervisor for TeamBuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.
Dear Ted:
My mother died this last year and her death has brought up many issues in my life. For example, I feel that I have wasted time in my life and I regret previous actions that I now find embarrassing. After a loss like I have suffered do many people look back at their lives and feel shame for their past? What is this about and how do I move past this awful self-hatred? Thank you, Turmoil Within
Dear Turmoil,
I believe your question is pertinent to many people, whether in the midst of healing from loss or not. Shame and guilt can confine and define you, keeping you imprisoned in an internal jail for actions from the past that you do not feel have served you well or have produced guilt. This “psychic” jail can be overwhelming and lead to feelings of not being deserving enough to enjoy life and reach your potential. However, honoring your mistakes as well as your experiences can allow you to glean the wisdom from the experience and let the story itself be just another episode in your history rather than a trigger that controls many of your decisions and actions in your present life.
I like to think of shame as an acronym of “Should Have Already Mastered Everything”. Although on some level we realize that this is not true and we are learning and growing daily, our stubborn psyches can often get in the way of rational thought. We need to give ourselves a break for NOT being a “master of all.” When you stop and think about it, your experiences of the past are what give you wisdom. With this type of thinking, you can realize that all of those experiences and “loss of time” actually act as teachers to help you know who you are! It is as if a large percentage of your choices early in life actually teach you who you are NOT and allow you to become the person you are today.
As you age you might spend half of the time learning who you are and who you’re not. As time goes on the hope is that you develop your true identity with integrity and fewer regrets. Allow yourself empathy and gratitude for your past decisions that did not serve you; instead, heal the historical triggers, let go of self-loathing and begin to give yourself compassion the same way you might for a friend. Honoring your wisdom due to your past can open up the potential for self-love and forgiveness that then radiates out to others. Until next time, take care
Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing. Direct any questions to Ted Wiard, LPCC, CGC, founder of Golden Willow Retreat and Clinical Supervisor for TeamBuilders Counseling at (575) 776-2024 or GWR@newmex.com.
The Taos News has committed to implement a bi-weekly column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. You may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.
Dear Ted:
I lost a loved one last year in a horrible accident. People have told me I need to heal, move on, and forgive. This has been very difficult for me and I feel I must be doing this entire “grief thing” wrong because I still feel sad and angry. Can you help me out with this quandary? Thanks, Feeling Pushed
Dear Feeling Pushed,
This topic is very important in the emotional healing world and so I thank you for having the bravery to bring it to my attention with your question. Emotional healing has no timeline or measuring stick and whatever loss has disrupted your perception of reality and your illusion of safety is important and real. Loss is lifetime work so to put a timeline on your healing is not fair to you and can actually impede your progress. I can honestly say that over time grief changes and your emotional triggers around grief will not be as sensitive as they may be at the present moment in your life. Finding ways to express your emotions in a healthy manner allow you to heal and grow.
Within the phases of grief there is a place that I happen to call the “unknown”. Within this phase you’ll find forgiveness, healing, compassion, spirituality, self-realization and so on. You cannot force these components of healing into a timeline or equation, they happen over time and with conscious healing from loss.
Forgiveness can be a particularly difficult piece because it seems so “loaded” with meaning. I don’t believe we can force forgiveness — it is a process of letting go of our anger and finding mindfulness, understanding or just acceptance of our current state of mind. Holding on to anger will only continue to hurt your internal, and, possibly your external world. Often anger is the first relationship you may have with your loss and to let go of that anger may leave you fearful of losing the relationship entirely. However, holding on to the anger only keeps you confined and defined by the events from your past and may leave you in a place of being caught in the past with no energy to be in the present.
Allowing time, conscious healing, and finding ways to express and honor your loss while moving into the present can open up new energy and insights allowing forgiveness, grace, gratitude and other emotions that can give you the fuel to fully live and celebrate life once again. You cannot push the river yet you are allowed to navigate the rapids of the emotional world and navigate new passion for life while healing from your loss.
